


Watch Me Burn (I'll Put Out The Fire)

by GideonGraystairs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Rape Recovery, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-04 02:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10981554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GideonGraystairs/pseuds/GideonGraystairs
Summary: There are fifteen ways for you to stay alive.(Fifteen ways for you to love him.)





	1. Watch Me Burn

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published January 22nd, 2017.

There are fifteen ways for you to stay alive.

 

  1. When you look in the mirror and see someone younger, fresh bruises on his face, his neck, and fresh terror in his eyes, close your own and look away. Tell yourself it’s in the past, no matter how well you know that it isn’t.



 

  1. If you wake up screaming, go back to sleep. When your sister asks the next day, pretend you don’t remember what you dreamed about. Try to convince yourself it’s true.



 

  1. The next time someone who isn’t family touches you, try harder not to flinch. Remember who you’re with. Remember to breathe, despite how hard it is.



 

  1. Keep breathing, even when it hurts.



 

  1. Remind yourself to love the face in the mirror before you ever love him.



 

  1. They’re just tears. They won’t kill you if they fall.



 

  1. Don’t black out when he runs gentle fingers over tattoos you forgot you had. Don’t tell him how many cover scars.



 

  1. Learn to trust others. Learn to trust him.



 

  1. Throw away the blade. Trim your nails. Flush the pills.



 

  1. Smile, even if it hurts.



 

  1. If you forget how to breathe, splash water over your face and put your head between your legs. Grab your phone. Call someone. Don’t lock the door.



 

  1. Look in the mirror. Keep looking until you can recognize the strength in the person staring back.



 

  1. When he shows you what a first time is really like, remember that that’s what this is. Rape is not sex. This is still your first time. Don’t let _him_ take that from you.



 

  1. When he calls you beautiful, try your very best not to cry.



 

  1. Keep going.




	2. I'll Put Out The Fire

There are fifteen ways for you to love him.

 

  1. When he disappears to that place you can’t reach, hold his hand and wait for him to come back. Stroke his skin to remind him it’s not an open wound.



 

  1. Don’t ask him where he went.



 

  1. If he wakes up screaming again, thrashing you to consciousness beside him, pretend you didn’t wake with him. Pretend, when he falls back asleep, that you have no idea it happened. Pretend not to know what he was dreaming about.



 

  1. The next time you touch him and he flinches, ignore it. Take your hand away and smile softly, ask him what he’s reading, sit down beside him and don’t say anything when he curls into you.



 

  1. Never tell him you’re sorry. It won’t help.



 

  1. Love him even when he doesn’t love himself. Love him when he does.



 

  1. Run your fingers over his scars and pretend not to feel them. Don’t wonder where they came from. Don’t say anything when you know.



 

  1. Give him space when he needs it. Learn to recognize when he doesn’t.



 

  1. Ignore the blades you find in the trash. They’re an ending, not a beginning.



 

  1. Smile at him, even when you know he won’t smile back. Keep doing it, even when it seems like he doesn’t want you to look at him.



 

  1. Take the 3 AM call. Don’t mention the time.



 

  1. Hold his hand, press it to your chest, and show him what a heart feels like. Show him what living feels like. Let him match his breaths to yours, no matter how long it takes.



 

  1. When you show him what a first time is really like, make sure he remembers that this is a first. This is his first. Touch him like he’s stronger than you are. Hold him like he isn’t something fragile.



 

  1. Remind him that he’s beautiful, just in case he doesn’t know. Just in case he forgets. Just in case someone else has made him think differently.



 

  1. Keep loving him.




End file.
